So long, Saturn

I no longer own my Saturn. As of yesterday, it belongs to a dear friend, M, who needs it much more than I. That car meant SO very much to me and, even though, it's only a machine (and a pretty worn-out machine at that) I admit having tears in my eyes as I watched M drive off in it.

I bought the Saturn new, in 1997. I was fresh out of a divorce from a controlling, abusive husband, and stuck driving the car that HE deemed necessary for me to drive. And weeding out of my closet the clothes HE had deemed appropriate. And giving away jewelry that HE had approved for me to wear. (Those of you who know me are shaking your heads, wondering how on earth he ever controlled me to that extent, but he did)

So, even though I had a perfectly fine car ('95 Mitsubishi Galant), I set off in search of a new car, one that was ME. One that didn't remind me every single day of the jerk who had picked it out. I settled on an adorable little green Saturn coupe, with leather seats, sunroof and a CD player. I drove off the lot, popped in a Pearl Jam CD and drove the entire loop around Indianapolis, reveling in a decision that *I* had made on my own, and on having something that entirely belonged to me.

That car, like my beloved Wicka kitty, was a constant through all the turbulent years that were to follow, and the ones of amazing peace (that passes understanding) that would eventually fill my life. It has hauled drunken friends when I was the designated driver. It has carried me home w/someone else at the wheel when I wasn't. It was the perfect car for Broad Ripple clubbing because I could parallel park it anywhere. It has ferried Wicka on countless trips from Indy down to Mom and Dad's for the weekend, and brought me and Max from Indiana to Texas to begin my new life here. It has served as a dump truck when I've had to fold the seats down and toss in bags of dirt at Home Depot. It has been my carriage when we went to formal parties downtown, dressed in our finest. I have wrestled a baby car seat into the back bucket seat, even though I distinctly remember picking the coupe over the sedan because *I* was never going to have kids. A lot has changed in 12 years.

And, even though there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about the car itself (meaning that my ex would never have even considered it because there was no BMW tag on the front or other status attached to it) it has been an extension of me, through all the stages of my independent adult life. And every time I walked outside to get into it, I saw all of that, and how much better my life is now.

But, back to M. She is referred to here by initial only because she is in an even worse situation than I was when I bought this car. She has fled with her two children and is living in fear of her husband, hammering out a divorce settlement with him. He has physically abused her, and her children, and she took the kids and left to protect them. Until yesterday, she was doing that without a car. So, after months of paperwork and hassles (thank you, State of Indiana BMV) she now has a car. It's a 12-year-old, rather banged-up car, but it's a car.

I drove it to deliver it to her yesterday, with Pearl Jam blaring, and remembered exactly, painfully, where I had been when I first drove like that in March of 1997. And reflecting on how far God has brought me, how different my life is, and how many rich, deep blessings came from that horrible period in my life.

M got into the car, and said exactly what I had felt 12 years ago, "I can't believe I am going to have something that is all mine, that HE didn't pick out for me" And so begins another chapter of a woman reclaiming her life and her freedom, and again the Saturn is there. She will be building memories of emerging from this abuse as a stronger, more independent woman who knows her worth, and will not let anyone take that from her again. And I am grateful to have been a part of that.

Easter Dress

Perfection

It's my downfall. I have had a dozen things to post here but haven't done it because I haven't had time to make it perfect. To write, and proof, and revise. My house has gotten totally out of control because I wasn't able to keep up when the fibromyalgia was so bad. Then I got better, but couldn't fix the house because I couldn't finish it all at once, so why start? Or I couldn't afford the furniture or organization supplies I need, so why try?

Finally, it hit a breaking point for me Monday. The Princess and I were snapping at each other, and I was totally stressed out from all the piles of junk (from the painting ordeal). I realized that chaos in my house leads to chaos in my head, and that leads to me taking out frustrations on those around me...those I love. So, I declared a "mental health emergency", rounded up friends to entertain The Princess for me while I work (and friends to help me work) and tackled all the books/papers/homeschool paraphernalia lying around.

I dropped The Princess at Emily's yesterday for a playdate, and as I drove home, I heard a song, "Free to be me". The lyrics really struck a chord with me. When it was over, I flipped to the next channel on my presets and it was on there, too, right in the middle. The words I heard when I changed the station were:

I've got a couple dents in my fender,
got a couple rips in my jeans.
Try to put the pieces together,
but perfection is my enemy.
On my own, I'm so clumsy,
but on Your shoulders I can see...
that I'm free to be me.

I needed to hear that. This perfectionism is driving me to be a person I can't stand. It's driving me to push too hard, to give up too soon (or not even start, if I think I can't do it) and I am not enjoying life at all. I honestly do not enjoy life right now. And I should be able to. I have rich blessings, a great family, a beautiful home. I think I'll play this song now and then, to remind met that we all have dents in our fenders and rips in our jeans. But that makes us who we are.

Here's the video if you want to watch:

You must live in your school

I found this quote regarding homeschool as a lifestyle and had to post it. This is what I am aiming for. Of course, this can be accomplished no matter what form of schooling your family is using. I just love the idea of a learning house. I don't know who James Neill is. Anyone else know? That shall be my first order of business...educate myself about him. Ha ha!
----------------------
You must live in your school. Your house and land you live on must be the school. You are always the teacher and always the student. You must do everything possible to educate yourself about life, the world, yourself, and most importantly, the connections between everything. You must have many people visit the school, and much solitude and silence to reflect on things. You must start this school now. It must be your life. — James Neill, 30 June, 2001

Wednesday musings on a Thursday

First of all, I did weigh but didn't get it posted: 171. Not bad, except that later the same day, I weighed 174. I think it's just going to fluctuate a lot and I have to go with how I feel overall. And, with two weeks of consistent exercise under my belt, I feel great! Diane and I have been following a 5k training program for 2 weeks and it feels great. I painted on Tuesday for 5 1/2 hours (including the ceilings) and felt fine! Over the summer last year, I tried to paint the ceiling in Olivia's room and had to ask Max to finish it. I can feel that my health is improving dramatically. Praise God for that answered prayer!

On to my musings...I can't explain it, but I have been *really* sad about the passing of Natasha Richardson. I can't say I was a big fan of her movies...not that I disliked them, but I have seen very few of them. However, what has impressed me in her death is how little I really knew about her in her life. She was a Redgrave. Born into an acting dynasty. And, yet, I knew very little about her, other than that she was married to Liam Neeson.

And that is precisely why I feel so sad at her passing. She was born to privilege and wealth, but never flaunted it. When I think of the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian (and all the other heiresses with their own reality shows), it nauseates me that they are the role models for kids, while someone like Natasha Richardson is comparatively unknown because she chose to live her life with dignity and (sorry Max, there's just no other word for it) class.

The more I see reality shows taking over television, and the overt sexualization of everything and every product (don't get me started on the obnoxious Burger King commercial with the mini burgers and the women throwing themselves at the guy holding them) the more I feel like getting rid of TV entirely. For every Natasha Richardson and Liam Neeson, living their lives as a family, quietly out of the spotlight, there are ten Britney Spears/Kevin Federline, FlavorFlav/Brigitte Nielson train wrecks clamoring for attention. And they are getting it.

I guess I am not only sad today that a family has to bury a wife, mother, sister, daughter. I am sad that the only real media coverage she has gotten is in her death. Reading about her, and the grace with which she handled the pressures of being heiress to the Redgrave legacy, and a Tony-winning actress in her own right, I think there should have been a lot more coverage of the good she did in life, not just the tragedy of her death.

One Seventy!

That's what I weigh, right now, WITH my big hoodie on. :) just had to share.

We did it!

Diane and I set a goal for ourselves to do a run/walk 5k training program. It calls for 3 weekly run/walks and a long walk on the weekend. And we did it! Even with the 40-50 degree temps and rain, we have exercised together three mornings this week! (This morning we had to stay in because of the rain, so we did a Leslie Sansone 2-mile walk video, which was harder than the run/walk we'd been doing)

I realize many of you do this every week. Or every day. But this is of note to me because I honestly believe that the last time I worked out three times in one week was 1997. (and part of that workout was just walking around the gym to see if there were any football players there)

I have to say this has been a real faith-builder for me. If God can get me out of bed, into the cold, dark morning at 6:30 to exercise, then I know He can do anything! If you know me, and how much I dislike mornings, and exercise, then you know that, too. :)

Weigh-in Wednesday, 3/11

174. BUT! I am exercising! Finally! Diane and I started walking/running last Friday in the mornings. 6:30 to be exact, until the time change, so now it's 7:00 (too dark at 6:30, but 7:00 is the new 6:00, so I'm still tired)

I'm excited. Not doing so well with my weight goals, but exercise has been the missing component, I think. That and my inability to see cheese or butter w/o eating them.

I am still here!

It has been a while since I posted, but I'm still here. I am way off track with my goals, and haven't even weighed for a week and a half. But there's some good news! Diane and I started a run/walk program together on Friday and it was a lot of fun. Knowing she'll be up at 6:30 waiting for me really motivates me to get out of bed and go for a jog.

We also met last week to talk about goals. Here's my latest list, revised to account for my currently crazy messy home (while I'm in the middle of painting about 1/2 of the rooms):

• Make better use of TaDa lists to keep myself organized
• Be healthy (exercise, diet and better managing FM)
• Finish current painting and decide what other rooms to paint, if any.
• Power wash patio and return washer to David and Emily

Overall, my plan is to set priorities and follow them. I decided my priorities should be 1) God, 2) health, 3) homeschool and 4) house. I am currently doing them in the exact opposite order: 1) house, 2) homeschool, 3) health and 4) God. So, I'm working to shift that.

I got up today in time to start my morning with Bible Study and prayer, then some stretching and a healthy breakfast. I felt a lot better physically and mentally and was able to have a good homeschool day, a good day with Christian and Olivia AND get a lot of laundry done! We are going for a bike ride and if I still have energy when I get back, I may work on painting some this evening.

Tomorrow is another exercise morning with Diane. Wish me luck!

Yippee!

Max has a job! He has had it since Monday. He got an offer from Medical Present Value (MPV) to be a technical support engineer. He is SO excited! It is hard to find support positions (which is what he loves to do) that are senior level.

I am waiting to hear about my job offer. Michael is working on signing some more clients and, if he does, he wants to fly me to Indiana to talk. I am not expecting an answer any time soon, with the economy impacting the travel industry so negatively. Still, it's good to have the contact with him, and know that when/if he is able to hire, he's going to call.

I have been painting my kitchen/hall/bath and love the new color! Just looking at it soothes me. We are making repairs that are long-overdue. I seem to have been overdoing it, because my fibromyalgia is flaring up. I am taking a day off from painting today in hopes of recovering a little.

My weight continues to fluctuate. I am up two pounds, down two pounds, over and over. This week is up two pounds. At least I am basically holding steady. I walked with Diane yesterday for about an hour (slowly) and that felt great. The weather is amazing. This week has been 85, sunny and breezy. Perfect for walking.

Weigh-in Wednesday

Down 2, to 172. I like being able to report a weight loss, even if I am still heavier than my goal weight for the week. I am starting to see definite patterns of weight fluctuation, and think that is just going to be something I have to account for.

My goal for this week is to work in some exercise. I found a great 5k training plan that starts out with running for one minute, walking for 2 minutes, then repeat 4 times. Over 12 weeks it builds to mostly running or jogging. I thought I might try that.

Anyone have any experience starting out slowly like that? I know all my friends seem to run 5k's, or mini's, or tri's, or full marathons. Did you start out slowly, or have you always been a runner?

Is anything in my life not changing right now!?

Wow, what a crazy couple of weeks. I told the girls at Bible study this morning that I am a control freak (well, they KNEW that part) and that it's so hard for me to have so many areas of my life out of control at once. Max and I are both interviewing and feel like we are very close to getting job offers.

Assuming we both get the jobs, so many things will change. I'll be working full-time again, and that sort of freaks me out. It will be work-from-home, though, and I have already talked to Michael (the owner) about kids and flexibility and he seems more than accommodating for that. I am also a little excited. The job sounds great, with a lot of challenges, and it would afford me some "necessary" travel to Bloomington where my entire family happens to be. :) I am anxious to meet Michael. He seems like a neat guy on the phone (this is the guy whose wife my sister used to work with...small world, huh?)

Max's potential job also sounds amazing. It'll be a pay cut, at least at first, but he'd be working with former co-workers and FOR my former manager at living.com. Small world, huh? (notice the theme here?) The position has great potential to really grow into a long-term career path for him, and it's getting back into some job functions that he really enjoys.

We're also planning, at some point this year, to list the house for sale. We've needed to do it for a long time, and even with the market in a slump, we both just feel like this is the time to do it. It will take a few months to get it ready, but I hope to be able to list it by summer.

Then, there's my Olivia. What will we do if I get the job? Keep homeschooling through the end of the year and just juggle? Enroll her in school even though there will only be a couple of months left? She wants to keep homeschooling, but knows that if I am working full-time, we won't have as much time for the fun things she enjoys so much (field trips, park days, etc) I still want to make those happen, but it won't be like it is now with me blissfully unemployed. (OK, it was hard to even type "blissfully unemployed" but you get what I mean) She did say, though, that she is fine with going to school, and will do whatever we have to do with whatever circumstances we have.

So, lots of changes, none of which are in my control. Lots of excitement, and new adventures, depending how you look at it. My Bible study this morning really got me thinking...we were talking about Abraham and Sarah, and how when they went to Egypt because of the famine, he had her lie and say they were brother and sister so that the men wouldn't kill him to have her (which they would have done if they knew they were married, because she was so beautiful) Sure enough, the Pharoah chose her for his harem. This was not what God had planned for them (duh) so He had to extricate them from the situation, much to Pharoah's chagrin (and disease). Later, God had promised Abraham descendents "as numerous as the stars" but Sarah wasn't conceiving, so they devised a plan for him to have children with her handmaiden, Hagar (HOH-GARR, right G?) Again, NOT what God had in mind at all. Yet, Abraham just kept blundering through life, trying to force situations without waiting for God's leading, for God's timing.

It really hit home with me, because I've been feeling a lot of stress from so many different angles. So many people to try to please, so many changes to consider, so many chances for me to goof it up by blundering ahead and trying to fix it myself, when maybe God has an entirely different plan for us. It was a good reminder for me to slow down, be patient and let God work.

We both feel like God has been very clear with us to this point. Arro (my old manager at living, and Max's potential new manager) had looked me up on facebook about a week before Max was laid off, so that opened the door for Max to interview for this job (he has wanted to work for the company since at least 2003). I just blindly sent a resume off to the only software company I could find in Bloomington, for a position that wasn't even listed, only to find out that my sister knows the owners of the company and that Michael had just said that week that he REALLY needed a QA person! It has just been unreal to me how clearly God has opened some doors and slammed others shut tight. I have applied for all sorts of other jobs, in Austin, Bloomington, Georgia, you name it...without a single response. Same for Max. Funny thing is, normally, I would be freaking out with both of us only having one real solid lead and the clock ticking on his contract, but I feel like it's all under control -- just not MY control. And that makes me feel even better.

Big fat weigh-in Thursday

174. I have no idea how that happened. How does a girl gain 5 lbs in a week w/o just going off the deep end with her eating (which I didn't) I blame it on hormones and monthly weight fluctuations. We'll see how next week goes.

On the bright side, I have a phone interview tonight and Max has one tomorrow morning! Mine is a possible work-from-home position, and his is full-time with a company he's been interested in for 5 years. So, the next 24 hours are big for Casa De La Garza! I'll let y'all know how it goes!

Clothes shopping...not as fun as it sounds!

I had a very good morning at church...lots of great songs, a great sermon, lots of friends and support. Then I went clothes shopping. Yes, we are unemployed, so shopping alone was tough for me. Shopping for CLOTHES was a nightmare! Nothing to remind me that I've gained weight like trying to decide what size to pull from the rack to try on, deciding to go large, just to be safe...then seeing it not zip in the dressing room.

I went clothes shopping because I am applying for jobs and have absolutely no professional clothing that fits. I have professional clothing, but it's all about 2 sizes too small. So, in case I should get called in for an interview next week, I had to go buy some clothes. JCPenney was having a big sale, so I got some cute stuff cheap. And I won't wear it unless I have to, so maybe Max will land an awesome job, and I can return it never worn (except the fabulous shoes I got for $8) and we'll move on with our lives. :)

Funny thing happened this afternoon...I told my sister that I'd sent a resume to a software company in Bloomington (can you believe there is a software company in Bloomington!?) and it turns out she knows the owners! She just called the wife to let her know that I had sent my resume, and she (the wife) said her husband had mentioned me. The catch is that they do not have a position open for me. I just saw them and sent it on the hope that they were looking for a QA person and hadn't posted it yet. Still, they know who I am now, and that has to help.

I am coming to terms with the possibility of going back to work full-time. Olivia seems to be taking the news well...that she will be going to school (if this happens) and may need to stay at a friend's house over the summer. Max and I have talked and are (obviously) leaving this in God's hands. If He intends for us both to work, I am sure that's what He will provide. If He intends for Max to be the one working, He will provide the right job at the right time. I have a great deal of peace about this, except for the stress of knowing that there are big changes going on.

We are planning to sell the house by the end of the year, even if we find jobs here in town. It will take so much work to get it ready to sell, it just exhausts me to think of it! I think I need a nap!

Wednesday weigh-in...Thursday style

Yes, I know it's Thursday. I did actually weigh myself yesterday, but didn't get it posted. Drum roll please.....

168.5! That gets me back on schedule (goal for this week was 169) and gives me an 11 lb. weight loss from the first of the year.

That virus I've had sure works as a weight loss diet. Now, if I can keep from gaining it all back this week now that my appetite has returned, but I am still too tired and weak to exercise like I should.

Wish me luck.

Song for the day

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, and this song was in my head. I guess I needed to hear it.

We all have struggles

I wish that weren't true. I wish that we could be promised a life of ease and free from worry. But, that's not the situation. And, I can honestly say that in the last year, our lives have been very blessed. We have a lot to be thankful for. Today, though, has brought a lot of bad news at once.

First, the thing that weighs heaviest on my heart...my sister-in-law, Ginny, was diagnosed with Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis (RRMS). Ginny lives in Chicago, so we don't get to spend a lot of time with her, but she is so dear to me. When Max and I first met, he took me from Indianapolis to Chicago to visit her and she went out of her way to make me feel welcome and like part of the family. I am fortunate that Max's family all treat me wonderfully, and make me feel like part of the clan, and when they hurt, I hurt. Please lift Ginny and the rest of the family up in prayer as she explores treatment options, and comes to terms with the diagnosis.

Second, after learning of Ginny's diagnosis, Max went to the office only to be laid off and sent home. So, it looks like there will be major changes coming in our lives over the next few weeks or months. Things were getting a little dull around here, what with a steady paycheck and all. I guess we can consider this "Max and Amy's Big Adventure, Part II" (Part I having come in 2003 when he was laid off)

Continuing the theme of choosing happiness (and knowing that I am blessed in all circumstances) I choose to view this as a big adventure. Who knows what might happen? What great job he might find? Where that might take us? I am sure God has some mighty plans for us, and we are about to find out what they are. Like a man in our class last week put it, our plan is "to find out what God is doing, and join Him"

Wednesday weigh-in, 1/28 edition

I've got good news, and bad news. First, the bad news. I did not lose any weight this week. Now the good news. I did not gain any, either! Weight today: 174.0. I actually think 1/2 pound of that is phlegm, so I should lose at least that weight as soon as I am feeling better. Until then, though, 174.0 is 2 full pounds over my goal weight, which is bad news. :(

I have been sick, so forgive the lack of posts. Max and I attended a Dynamic Marriage facilitator training class last Friday through Sunday and it was amazing! Mark and Paula Speich went with us, and we all completed our certifications to facilitate Dynamic Marriage classes at our church. I am really excited about it. I see so many marriages that are in crisis, or just "existing", and it makes me sad. We are hoping to start classes at the end of March. If you are the praying kind, I'd sure appreciate prayers for us.

About "the sickness"...we seem to be passing a virus around the family, and it's my turn to be miserable. I was up all night (well, until 5:30 this morning) trying to find a position that allowed both sleeping and breathing. Since no such position apparently exists, and breathing is not optional, I was awake. A lot. I am hopeful that this will be the last of our illnesses and that we're just getting all of our germs out of the way at once. That way, we can be happy and healthy the rest of the year.

And, in keeping with our sermon series about choosing happiness, I am thankful that today I am sick with a virus. A known entity. Something with a pretty well-defined duration. This time last year, I was sick and hurting and had no idea why. The fibromyalgia diagnosis didn't come until Feb. 23. This time last year, I was scared. And, honestly, felt a lot worse every day than I do right now, in the thick of this ick.

So, though I feel lousy, I choose to be happy and grateful and blessed. I hope everyone else is having a blessed week as well.

Gettin' my mojo back, Peyton-style!

How did he know I am feeling befutzed!? Methinks a little bird named "Jody" told him.

http://www.priceless.com/us/personal/en/extras/suitetalk/index.html?phrase1_id=2&phrase2_id=10&phrase3_id=3&phrase4_id=5&sender_id=595&recipient_id=36&CMP=EMC-PCOM.US.Peyton08TAF

Wednesday Weigh-In, 1/21 version

Well, I saw this coming. The chocolate chip cookie dough straight from the mixing bowl Saturday night. The mini-pizzas baked on yummy Grands biscuits. The fried tofu veggie dish I had last night. All wonderful. All yummy. All very fattening. All eaten for entirely wrong reasons: stress, nervousness, depression.

Today's weight: 174.0. Up one pound.

Today's diet (thus far): coffee (one cup 'doctored', two cups black) and a baked fish fillet for lunch. And the promise to myself that I will exercise sometime today.

This weekend is our training class for Dynamic Marriages. That means we'll be in a hotel Friday, Saturday and Sunday (here in Austin, but still not at home) and eating out all our meals. I am nervous about that many restaurant meals...I am notorious for overeating in restaurants. I will be looking for salads and grilled meats to help keep the calories in check. And, I might even take a spin on a bike in the hotel fitness center.

Wish me luck.

In a funk...but looking forward to Change

I am in a funk. Have been for a week. We have been sick (one or all of us at any given time) since New Year's Eve. I am feeling overwhelmed by everything. I am making progress toward my goals (although I am worried about tomorrow's weigh-in) and generally keeping my head above water, but feel as though there is something wrong. Or rather that something is just not right. It's very unsettling.

Gretchen says this is my midlife crisis. I think she's probably right. Suddenly, I am evaluating who I am, what I've accomplished, etc. and it looks pretty bleak. I guess I just thought I'd be more together at this point in my life. I just thought it would be easier, I suppose. (silly me)

That said, I sat and cried watching the Inauguration. What a moment. I am getting teary-eyed now, writing about it. It really felt, sitting on my couch folding laundry, like *I* was a part of history. Olivia watched it with me, and we talked about how 40 years ago this would have been unheard of. She seemed to get it, but I know it will mean more to her as she grows older.

That Thoreau...smart guy...

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. — Henry David Thoreau

I crack myself up!

I just re-read my last post. The phrase "repainting walls with cats" brought to mind a vision of me dipping Molly into the paint and smearing her across the wall. You should have seen the look on her face (in my head). HAHA!

Yoga and Cats

Yoga and cats do not mix. Last night, I was trying to do yoga. I say "trying" because I wasn't doing very well, even with lots of help. First, as I sat with the bottoms of my feet together to lean foward to stretch, Genius came and sat between my legs. Then, when I lay down on the floor to do a side stretch, The Molly Lama came running as fast as she could toward me, stopped, licked my nose and then ran off.

This does not bode well for repainting walls with cats. But I did manage to do some yoga. And discovered that I am really bad at it. My muscles are quite tight...not the "cute in a swimsuit" tight, but "hurts to move at all" tight. I am looking forward to a lot more flexibility as I continue working on it.

Wednesday Weigh-In

I'm in a funk today. The bright spots thus far have been Olivia rolling around on the hide-a-bed, watching Harriet the Spy (she felt like rolling around and being silly!) and weighing myself. Yes, weighing myself was a bright spot! I have lost another 1.5 lbs, bringing my weight down to 173.0.

I was honestly surprised to see a loss. I am feeling hungry all the time and felt like I was eating more than I should. I didn't exercise last week, except for a trip to the gym for cardio last night.

As promised, I mapped out my weight goals and set some milestones. These are based on my target weight loss of 1 lb. per week.

173.0: Today
170.0: 2/4/09
160.0: 4/15/09
150.0: 6/24/09
140.0: 9/02/09 (on my Mom's BD, 9/9, I should have my first weight in the one-THIRTIES!)
132.0: 10/28/09 Goal weight!!!

Funny thing about that goal weight, and the timing of it. You've heard the women who say they would walk down Main St. buck naked if they could lose weight. Well... I (stupidly) told with Max last year that if I lost all the weight I needed to lose, I'd wear one of those black Catwoman bodysuits for my Halloween costume. LOL! Now, it looks like I may have to keep that promise since I'm scheduled to hit my goal weight three days before Halloween. How embarassing. It would have been cute at 23 (I think it *was* cute at 23!) At 37, well, I'm not so sure. We'll see how the "sands have shifted", as Mom says, when all the weight is gone.

Missing You, Bubba

You are loved and missed every day.

My brother, Mike Uland
08/31/58 - 01/14/05

Finally feeling better

Whew, whatever that bug was, I don't ever want it again! I think we're all finally feeling better. I am woefully behind on everything now, but guess I'll catch up eventually. It has not been a good week for exercise (unless you count being the one to fetch the Mucinex as "exercise") or for eating. I've been hungry constantly and haven't felt like doing anything active to keep my mind off of food. I also haven't weighed. Don't think I want to know.

Here's hoping that I continue to feel better and can exercise early this week so that my Wednesday Weigh-In isn't *too* embarassing. :)

Sarah, great to see you at church today. You looked beautiful.

Today is Weigh Day!

Drum roll please!
Today's weight is........174.5! Down from 179.0. That is a loss of 4.5 lbs this week. (Yes, I do sometimes teach math to a second-grader)

I must say I am a bit surprised. I have been sick, but not the diet-friendly stomach kind of sick. More the diet-busting sinus-y kind of sick that causes one to sit up at 2 in the morning craving Cheetos because they are the only thing strongly flavored enough to break through the phlegm barrier.

That said, I did work pretty hard at making good food choices and increasing my water/fiber. I know not every week will be like this, but wouldn't that be AWESOME!?

I think I'll set my weight loss goals at 1 lb. per week, to account for muscle gained along with fat burned. I'll figure out when that should have me at my goal weight and post that, along with some milestones to celebrate along the way.

Blog find of the day

I found this post this morning on a blog called "whatever" by Megan Duerksen. It was as if she had seen my Oprah rant yesterday! I could really relate to what she had to say. I deleted her pics, but the rest of the post is complete. Go here to see it on her blog: http://megduerksen.typepad.com/whatever/2009/01/blah.html

-- copied text --

Blah.

that is how i feel.

ready but not really ready for a new year.

feeling defeated...exhausted...worn down.

BLAH.

i watched 2 oprah's last night...not good when you are having a pity party.

i felt worse than when i started.

i know in my head what i need to do.

but getting myself to actually do them is so tiring.

i will.

today.

i have to.

besides....even waffle is getting fat because of my laziness.

taking down the christmas decorations will help.

clean table tops.

cleared out rooms.

getting a few drawers cleared out.

that will help.

bottom line....i must get moving so i can feel better so i can BE better for my family.

if i am exhausted all they get is crazy mommy.

tired yelling mommy.

and even i don't like her.

God gave me this perfectly healthy body and here it sits...wasting it's potential.

that is so wrong.

this verse struck me today:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty Power.

Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand

against the devil's schemes." Ephesians 6:10

the devil's schemes?

my desire to sit around and eat mint brownies for a month.

my desire to watch tv instead of read my bible.

my desire to stay up late and not give my body the rest it needs.

my desire to sit at this computer and not get things done.

so i am putting on the full armor this morning.

and i going out for a walk in the cold sunshine...for exercise and vitamin D.

i am sick of feeling like this.

this helps too.
(I kid you not...she ACTUALLY had a picture of what looks like a Sonic drink here with a handwritten note from a friend on top)

friends are awesome.

thank you.

ok oprah....i'm off to live my best life!

HA.

Thank you GOD (not oprah) for these thoughts.

this mind.

this body.

the Holy Spirit inside me moving me to be what God wants.

not oprah.

FlyLady Control Journal

I am starting (again) to work on creating a control journal, a la FlyLady. I have notes scattered from the times I've tried previously to do this. I am hopeful that I'll actually come up with a workable version in the next week or two.

Here's the link to her steps to create a CJ, if you're interested in doing it for yourself:
http://www.flylady.net/pages/cjmain.asp

Contentment? What's that?

I have been chatting with Heather today. We both want to make big changes this year and need accountability. We also need ideas. Let's face it, if we were Oprah, we could just hire our personal chef and trainer, have the house redecorated, buy a new car instead of fixing the old one, etc. But, we're not Oprah. So, that means we have to do stuff ourselves, and find budget-friendly ways to do it.

I still think this falls under the category of "Fourth Quarter Comebacks" Although I hope I am not yet in my fourth quarter, the principle applies. We have messes, and we need to fix them. And we need to do it sooner rather than later.

So, she and I purpose to work together this year with whomever will join us to set attainable goals, hold each other accountable for our progress, cheer each other on when it seems like the only thing in the world that will fix a horrible day is a big giant vanilla coke from Sonic. We would love to have the support and input of our Bible Study friends, but certainly don't want this to become a chore for you! If you want to actively participate, please do! If you want to just read and comment, feel free. If you want to pretend that this idea never came up, I wouldn't blame you a bit.

What does this have to do with contentment, you ask? Something just occurred to me. Most of the stress I feel (other than health-related stuff) is because I can't find things, I have clutter around me all the time, I feel like things are out of control. I get that. What I just realized is how that contributes to my feeling of discontent. And feelings of wanting more, bigger, better.

I just put some bread on to bake, and was in my pantry trying to extricate a bag of flour from the four or five different kinds I have packed onto the top shelf. Dangerous stuff. When we moved here, and I organized my pantry, I put the few feeble baking supplies I had on the top shelf. I was a career woman! I loved to cook, but who had time!? Now I am a stay-at-home-Super-(step)-Mom-Extraordinaire, and I need that stuff. And I need it where I can access it without risk of head trauma.

Immediately, my mind jumped to the grand plan I have to knock out a wall in my pantry, join it to my laundry room and make one ginormous utility room. But I can't afford that. Then it occurred to me that I really need to just devote an afternoon to reorganizing my pantry. So, it doesn't work as it is. Big deal. There is still plenty of room there. I just need to make it work for us now. I need to be content.

I began to wonder...I am often discontent, wanting more, wondering if I should be out working rather than staying at home, but do I even:

1. Know all the things I have? I am always finding things I forgot I even had, often broken, expired or useless from being forgotten.
2. Use and love the things I have?
3. Take care of the things I have? Sure, I'd love a new house (and I always picture it looking just like a model home, even though it'll have all my junk in it, not their fancy stuff), but what about my house? Am I taking care of it? I need to paint, repair trim, etc.
   
4. Realize that we are paying a mortgage on a home to store stuff? And getting more stuff makes me think I need more room. I wonder what the "rent" is on the items that I am holding onto needlessly, that "necessitate" me living in 2600 s.f. when 1500 would probably work. (think IKEA)

Organize. Purge. Clean. Repair. Repurpose. (Don't just throw it away! Make it useful!) Reduce. Reprioritize. And finally....Glorify God. Remember that it is by His power that we accomplish any of these things and all of them should be purposed toward serving Him, and being better stewards of what He has given us so generously.

These are our goals, as I see them. Feel free to beat us up about them and keep us on track. And let me know if you want to join in! Heather and I thought we might try to get together next week and set some short-term goals. The more the merrier! (hint, hint, Ellen, the Organizing Queen)

Crockpottin' kind of day at Casa De La Garza

Olivia is sick. I am recovering, but am not quite well. Max was well enough to drag himself to work, where he was told that he looks like "death warmed over" and will be sent home just as soon as he can be spared to leave.

I had some grand goals for today when I went to bed last night. Turns out a few of them are going to have to wait until tomorrow. But, I did do the following:

• scrubbed and put about 20 sweet potatoes in the oven. I'm going to mash them and freeze them for later. (they were really cheap at Costco last week, 29 cents per pound) The fun part will be when they are done baking in an hour and I'm too tired to deal with them! :P
• dropped a chicken carcass (from an HEB rotisserie chicken) into some water in my small crockpot to make homemade broth
• put a chuck roast on in the second crockpot with potatoes, carrots and gravy. This was actually quite exciting for the frugal homemaker in me...I got a huge roast at Randalls for $6. It was too big to fit into my crockpot so I cut one big bone hunk out, and realized that it is the perfect soup bone! So, I'll get at least two full meals, plus leftovers, out of one $6 roast (with a couple dollars of veggies tossed in)!
  

Sadly, my biggest goal for today won't be met...getting started on school with Olivia for the new year. She is not well enough today to focus on much of anything. I plan to read with her later, but am letting her rest and watch SpongeBob right now.

My other project for today is continuing to organize my calendar, coupons, schedule, etc. I did a half-hearted meal plan for this week but can't make it work because of quite a few unknowns...namely whether we'll be here or able to go do things. I made my coupon organizer last night, complete with nearly 80 different categories (I have a lot of coupons...if I don't narrowly define the categories, I stand in the store for 5 minutes at each item, trying to find a coupon) Today, I plan to "stuff" my organizer, finalize the meal plan and make my shopping list.

Also, we're going to do another round of freezer cooking this month. I need to plan a menu, budget and schedule for that.

Madagascar Vanilla Red tea

This stuff is AWESOME! It's nice and sweet on it's own...just amazing served really hot with a little honey.

Now if it only had caffeine. I'll have to see if they have a "loaded" version available. :)

Successes and failures

Ugh, what a horrible game last night. Horrible. It was so frustrating to see us unable to convert on interceptions, etc. I knew the Chargers would be formidable, but had hoped we'd get past them.

Oh, well. No sense crying over football. Again.

On a personal note, I have not posted an update on my resolutions. I am failing miserably in quite a few of them. I have not read anything except web blogs and news. I haven't studied my Bible at all. We have been sick, so I have not been exercising.

However, I do think I've been making some healthier choices in my diet. We'll see on Wednesday if they were enough to bring a bit of weight loss w/o meeting my exercise goals. Changes I made:

• Trying to cut back on coffee or at least make it less fattening. I have also found that an emergen-C in the morning gives me an energy boost, so maybe I can replace coffee with that.
• Drinking sparkling lemon water (you know, Perrier or LaCroix, but the HEB version) instead of soda, juice, etc. Increasing my water intake while cutting calories.
• Buying more fresh produce. I am trying to snack on veggies and add more to my meals (baked sweet potatoes last night filled me up and were very healthy)
  
• Eating a big salad before each meal to fill me up before I start eating the more fattening entree.
• And, the obvious one, cutting back on butter, sauces, dressings, etc. I don't do artificial sweeteners, so I am just cutting back on sweets period.
  

I'll post my weight on Wednesday. I am trying to figure out a realistic weight loss per week to maintain until I reach my goal. I think 1 lb. per week is reasonable because I hope soon to be replacing fat with muscle. Two pounds per week might be too much to expect if I am building muscle at the same time. Anyone reading? Anyone have experience in this area? I don't want to get obsessed about a weight number, but need some measurable goals to keep myself motivated.

Peyton Manning, MVP! Again!

I am so anxious for the game tomorrow. We have lots of injuries to worry about, but we have something that San Diego does not: A 3-time league MVP under center. Go get 'em, Peyton!

Coupons, coffee, other random thoughts

I found a way to use expired coupons. Adopt a military base at http://www.ocpnet.org/ and mail the coupons to them. They can be used on base for a while after they expire. Sweet! Makes me feel not so bad about coupons that expire because I didn't find the perfect price match sale.

Coffee. You know me, it's an addiction. But I am not a fan of black coffee, and therein lies the rub. As in "rub my Buddha belly" 'cause it's getting that fat. I love 1/2 and 1/2 or the flavored creamers, and am sure that starting my day off with two cups of fat is probably not the best way to go. I've tried teas, but am just not a big tea fan. I've tried skim milk but it just makes my coffee weak and gray. And I don't do artificial sweeteners (allergic, or at least get sick when I use them) so I'm in a quandry. If anyone is reading this and has ideas, let me know.

PeytiePie. My posts have been strangely PeytiePie-less for the last couple of days. Did I mention that I resolve to meet him and Coach Dungy personally? Yeah, I resolve that every year. Good thing for my dear Sis who will bail me out of jail when I get arrested for trying to carry out my plot, er, resolution.

I digress...back to PeytiePie...looks like he's front-runner for league MVP. I wonder how that will affect their playoff performance. I think that might be the nudge they need to get over the San Diego hump. I have very high hopes for the playoffs this year. Reminds me so much of January '07, when we were limping into the playoffs, having been under the radar. I think the Colts play best without a bye week, on the road, because the underdog status fuels them. So, here's to tomorrow, to Peytie showing the world why he's the MVP, making up for last year's loss. GO GO COLTS!!!

Accountability. Blech.

Current (sad) state of affairs

Height: 71" a.k.a. 5' 11" (here's hoping this is the only number that does NOT decrease this year!)
Weight: 179.0 lbs. (wearing happy pants, a t-shirt and sweatshirt)
Right Thigh: 23.25"
Hips: 40"
Waist: 34" (ay yi yi)
Bust: 40" (OK, I also hope this number doesn't decrease. Well, not much.)
Right Upper (Uland) Arm: 13"
Jeans size: 12 (Old Navy); 16 (V.S. according to their size charts. Stupid V.S.); 34x34 guys Calvin Klein

Goals by 12/31/09
Height: same (gotta remember to take my calcium and do weight-bearing exercise!)
Weight: 132 lbs. (loss of 47 lbs)
Leg and Arm measurements: unsure. I didn't track those at 132 lbs. I just want to be toned up by year end.
Hips: 36"
Waist: 26"
Bust: 36"
Jeans size: 8 (Gap long and lean) I want to be a size 6 again, but pregnancy has moved my hips to places that will never again fit into size 6 jeans.